We know of course how efficacious marketing is because we're told so every day by agencies.   We get agency heads pulling at their collective goatees spouting bon mots such as 'you can't put a price on creativity'.

On that basis let's hope that the following contorted blatherings of hack creatives came gratis:

'Drive the Story'.  Sorry?  Just how do you propose we do that?  Do I need a specially adapted car or perhaps just a half-decent qualification in English grammar.

'Change the Conversation'.  Can't even remember which brand this gibberish related to.

'Inspired by the Soul of Motion'.  Please.  Nasty strap line for a bland Euro car no doubt inspired by a line of white marching powder.

'Redefining Normal'.  Stop it.

And my personal favourite spotted only today on yet another car poster -

''Better belongs to the Curious'' - utter tosh.

And chapeau to the agency that came up with 'Tomorrow's Conversations, Today' which nonsense polluted every flat surface of London City Airport for many months.  Imaging my unbridled joy when I saw 'Tomorrow's Solutions, Today' a year later in the receptions of not one but two different clients.   No doubt the £1 million each client paid for this was worth every penny.

As one of the 7,492 subscribers to Campaign (Marketing has 20,081...) it gladdens my old ad agency heart to agree with the weekly contributors to Turkey of the Week and think it's high time Saniflo got a roasting again.  It got turkeyed last February and is on air again.  Helvete it's a stinker!  Mozart must be spinning in his grave.  I often mutter at the telly when watching ads - ''£600k rip off', and 'Australia?  For one frame?  Really?!' which irks my partner no end, but we both scrabble for the mute button on the remote control when the Saniflo tinkling starts up.   It's as if an agency got really drunk, sniffed a yard of marching powder and came up with a list of what makes BAD ads.  Then made this execrable execution for the SFA Group using everything on their list. Bizarre music choice, creepy cheesy casting, dreadful dubbing, vile device (finger clicking pointy hand), and room sets built by an insane toddler.  And the client must love it because not only is this waste of 30 seconds running for the second year, they even showcase it on their website.  I'm sure that macerators aren't the sexiest product in town but DAMN people!  Please tell me you didn't pay an agency to make that ad.  Please tell me one of your post room cleaners made it themselves for 75p and an extra day's holiday. Please get someone, anyone, to make you a better one...

We would like to believe that things have moved on since the ugly days in advertising when tyrannical (male) senior management used to fire female suits who became pregnant and/or not hire them if they'd just got married.

Ad agencies in the 80s and 90s were seething hotbeds of male chauvinism and women rarely made it onto the executive boards of these companies.  Running pitches nowadays I see agencies still claiming their male:female staff ratio to be roughly half and half, yet on closer examination it usually transpires that the majority of positions at Group Account Director or above remain resolutely male.

This parlous lack of senior female staff would also appear to be prevalent on the client side.   A major article in Marketing (16 January 2013) about brands and video content featured the musings of a dozen senior figures from a wide variety of brands: Unilever, BBC Worldwide, Google, Twinings, Mars, Match.com, KFC, Nestle, Mastercard, and LOCOG.  Not one woman graced the debate.

Is gender parity at senior level in agencies and now seemingly in marketing a folorn hope - or do women have more sense than to wish to spend their energy and lives clawing their way up the slippery pole?  Or are men just so much better playing at politics?  One suspects the answer lies in a mixture of the two.

These are the people who call themselves Cost Controllers.  They are recommended by agencies (please see the Blog called 'marking your own homework') and get paid a lot of money by clients to critique the agency's costs.  The agency simply mark up the already marked up costs by another 10%, the friendly Cost Controller 'does his/her thing', the agency cuts those costs by 10%, the marketer ticks the box marked 'cost control' and everyone has a big fat lunch. 

Trebles all round!

Yes, you read it here first.

Agencies still research their own work and recommend their pet cost controllers. Clients - if this is actively happening on your watch - please go to the nearest bathroom and fill a basin full of cold water. Now dunk your head in it. Stay submerged until you can see little black dots before your eyes. Stand up and shake. Go to the germ-free HandiDryer and dry yourself. Walk back to your desk and make a resolution to make some decisions and take some responsibility yourself.

Because that's why you're paid the Big Bucks, isn't it?